In a long distance friendship or in any relationship for that matter, the people involved tend to feel detached over a period of time. Imagine yourself talking to your best friend over phone calls or video calls and all of a sudden, one day you feel that you can no longer relate to what your friend is trying to say. You start discovering that you both no longer feel the same way about any matter of concern. You remember that there was a time when your views and opinions with your best friend were one and the same, but now the scenario has changed. This phase can also come between people who share the same roof, and not just in a long distance relationship.
This sudden ‘Rise of Difference in Opinion’ phase arises due to differences in spiritual experiences that both are having. The two person involved start to feel that they are no longer on the same page. One of them outgrows the other in the field of emotional, spiritual or intellectual quotient to such an extent that the other person can now no longer relate to what he is saying or feeling. And this phase that I’m talking about is a complete no-no in a relationship that involves a husband and wife.
But how can we avoid this phase from coming into our lives that drags us away from our loved ones? It will be a ridiculous idea to stop the emotional growth just to bring your loved ones closer because people are meant to grow with each passing day, and that is what makes our lives fruitful.
We can stop this phase from coming into our lives at all, or we can repair the already damaged relationship that took place due to such uneven growth. This can be made possible by sharing our thoughts and feelings with the other person on regular basis. We need to build the communication game stronger and share the lessons that we learn from our lives, which ultimately has enhanced our emotional growth. In this way we can feed to their emotional growth, and there is a good chance that the growth will one day balance out.
It is also very important that the person on the other end takes similar interest, and tries to understand the lessons that your are trying to share. If your lessons don’t intrigues him, then you need to graciously walk away, as you have done your best and it was their choice. It is very unfortunate that they could not keep up with the growth even when you tried your best. In that case, you need to thank them for the support that they had given you so far and move on, knowing that you have done whatever your could to save the bond.
When you are a parent, it is your right and duty to change those habits that are forming in your child which can harm him in the long run. But when you are asking a full grown adult to change, to match your sense of being, I find it to be very impolite.
Every adult develops an individuality throughout his life and each action performed by the adult is based on his individuality. The lessons that a person learns from the different life events, shape him. And so it is very indecent to ask an adult to change as per the lessons that you had learnt from your life events. After all, it is healthy to change only when you have an issue with your own behaviour and not to please someone else.
When you are giving love, just give and forget. Now here I want to make myself clear that I am not talking about conjugal love. Conjugal love is always a two-way journey. I am talking about love that exists between parents and children, aunts/uncles and niece/nephews, grand parents and grand kids, between cousins, so on and so forth.
I have seen people gifting their loved ones with presents and saying that it is a “Gift of Love”. I have also seen people taking immense care and supporting their loved ones in their times of need. And in doing so, they also reserve some space in their minds with the expectations that their loved ones will also love them back in the same way. I think it is not wrong to have some expectations in return. In fact you are not hurting people with your expectations but you are definitely hurting yourself. And I think it is unquestionably wrong when you are hurting yourself in this short lifespan of yours . Your life is meant to make yourself happy and not the other way round.
Many people also think that it is impossible to have zero expectations in return when you are giving your precious love to others. But I think it is surely possible to have no expectations from a relationship which do not involve romantic love. And for that you should have immense self love. When you make yourself a priority and love yourself fiercely, you become independent in the sense that you are not waiting for someone to love you back and you have enough love to love yourself. In that case you can spare some of that love to give to your loved ones. And while doing so, you will surely have no expectations from your loved ones to love you back. When you are giving love to others, give because you have enormous love to give and not because you are obliged to give. When you are giving love as an obligation, it is definitely not worth taking. Give because you have so much to give.
As a human being your job is to give love. It is not your job to assess and analyse whether you should get the same love back. This is because you are already content with the happiness that you are getting from self-love. If your loved ones reciprocate your love, it is is an add-on to your already existing happiness and you should take that with a grateful heart. That is why I always say that self love saves you from a lot of disappointment and makes you a free soul.
To conclude, I want to say that, one should first learn to love themselves and then go out into the world to give the same love to others just because your heart holds enough love to give and to cure another soul, without expecting anything in return.
Have you ever experienced self-pity? I think everyone has and it is OK to feel pity for yourself at times. But it is more important to come out of it. Self-pity can drag your life from not so good state to the worst state. If you allow it to persist, it will never leave you and you will end up hurting yourself and all your loved ones around you.
Self-pity sinks in when any unfortunate event takes place in your life and you and everybody else around you know that you do not deserve to suffer out of this. Abuse from a step parent, or from anyone whom you love, untimely death of a person you were emotionally dependent on or any unfortunate incident constantly happening with you which by now have shattered your faith on the goodness in the world.
During such times, it is this self-pity that gives us the most sought after comfort, a comfort which soothes your mind and soul. Once you get comfortable with self-pity, you get distant from your loved ones. You start to compare your life with others, trying to reason as to why only you have to go through such sufferings and in the course of time you tend to feel that no one attends to you and your needs. You absolutely overlook the fact that everyone’s life is made up of both privileged and ill-fated events and not only you. You intentionally ignore the measures that you should take, which could have healed the profound agony that now have settled in your heart, because you know that self-pity gives you the relaxation and the comfort.
But there are also many things which happen unintentionally once you give in to self-pity. You get distant from your well-wishers, either because of insecurity or because of demanding too much attention. Your happiness becomes momentary because now it depends upon someone igniting your self-pity or someone who continuously feeds to your needs. You can’t tolerate those people who are happy with themselves because inside your heart you want to be that person but at the same time cannot get rid of your self-pity.
Once you get comfortable with self-pity it can be really hard to get rid of it. It needs serious efforts but it is always a good riddance. To begin with, you need to know that everyone has their fair share of ups and downs in their lives. Secondly moving on is an integral after any heartbreak. You need to find happiness in you work, be it your daily chores or any passion that you are following lately. Keeping yourself busy during this whole time of healing is also very important and can speed up the riddance process. Above all, be proud that you have already made though a lot of it and be grateful that although you have a short life like anyone of us, you still have plenty of time to make it big and make yourself happy. Take charge of your life and go for it, one day at a time.
Truth and happiness go hand in hand. When you are true to yourself or when your loved ones are true to you, happiness surrounds you. But there are times when truth and happiness can be contradicting to each other. This happens when you had a preconceived idea or a preconceived image for a long time and one day, out of a blue moon the truth strikes in and it hits you hard. You realize that all this while you were supporting a masked idea or a masked image and the mask suddenly fell off.
Such incidents teach us a lesson and the lesson is – you cannot trust anyone. Post that incident we tend to dwell upon the negative aspects of that very incident. You tend to keep questioning yourself – “Why did I realize this so late”? or “How can I be so dumb”?
Now during all these shortcomings we really forget to be grateful about the incident which opened our eyes to the reality. If we were grateful about the whole incident, instead of wasting time in grieving we could have spent that whole time in accepting the truth. Trust me, it is easier to accept the truth and embrace it than to curse ourselves for something which we had no control whatsoever.
There are some great benefits of accepting a hard hit truth or any truth for that matter –
- It takes you to your next course of action. Either you take the lesson and stay away from such false images or you accept their true unmasked self. I think both of these are OK and it takes you to the greater good which is – now instead of lamenting, you heal.
- It gives courage to accept the person who was hiding his true image from you for so long. The person now begins to confide in you because he/she knows that you will accept their true self.
- It reconciles you with your lost friend – happiness.
That is why I always prioritize truth over happiness. After all, once you accept the truth, you can be happy again.